Breaking point aka -2• in your living room

Ridiculously cold temperatures and snowy stormy weather affect everybody but in particular;

1. People with any form of Arthritis and other joint pains

2. People with slipped / herniated discs and scoliosis/kyphosis

3. People who suffer cramping back muscles through stress and reductions in temperature

4. People with current undiagnosed loss of feeling and intense pain in their hands and are currently waiting on further neurology tests and hand physio

5. Migraine sufferers

6. Psoriasis sufferers where your skin comes out almost instantly in red blotches all over

7. All the poor bastards who suffer all of the above. AKA muggins over here.

The Beast from the East / Snow Storm Emma is in full force here in the UK, and I thought I was doing pretty well… until the boiler in our flat broke last night! I meannnn I’m often one to exaggerate slightly I’ll admit. But I’ve NEVER woken up from brain freeze at 3am and had to sleep in a ridiculous amount of layers! Even the electric blanket was barely doing its job. There was a full on breeze in our bathroom.

So with no heating and no hot water in the flat, Wayne left for work and I managed to escape to the lovely Dalhousie coffee shop in Crystal Palace (after skidding my way up the icy hill) and got a few hours’ work done. But I was in absolute agony with my joints, especially my hands, so I had to give up mid afternoon and make my way home. I also had no idea that that’s where all of south London’s babies seem to meet for their mid-morning cry-fest. Not ideal for conference calls (sorry again team!)

Sadly, we were supposed be heading down to Devon for the weekend to celebrate my Aunt’s birthday as a surprise, but with more snow forecast and the UK on red alert, it was never going to happen. So, Wayne and I have packed up our things and are heading to my Dad’s to seek some refuge and enjoy some central heating which I will never take for granted again!

Stay warm everyone!



Sunday night karma?

There’s nothing better than a weekend of little to no plans. It doesn’t always happen, but when it does, it’s sheer BLISS.

Though it’s a real shame my body doesn’t always agree.

I had plans on Friday night with the girls, but it was dinner at mine so none of the usual required late night trekking across London to get home after a day at work (sorry girls, just you!) which is exhausting enough most of the time.

For the remainder of this weekend, I have just tried to relax; so I’ve been doing a bit of life admin, a bit of work from the comfort of my sofa and I even treated myself to a manicure today for the first time in years. Oh yes and a few hours spent catching up on the latest Grey’s Anatomy and a whole week’s worth of Survival of the Fittest (which is totally filling the Love Island hole in my life right now so I’m not even sorry 😉 ).

But unfortunately, it’s now Sunday night and I have been in agony all day, with the oh so recognisable effects of Sciatica setting in.  I get really frustrated that I can no longer spend a few hours on the sofa trying to relax my mind from everything going on because I just get punished with the most painful back ache. I’m now struggling to stand straight and I’m hobbling around like no-ones business.

I’ve not yet found a way to deal with my frustrations that come as a result of this disease, and having my back problems make it 1,000% worse on bad days. So this evening I’m just taking it out on my keyboard writing this and hoping that an evening on the mat with the dumbbells helps ease the stiffness and pray that I get a good nights’ sleep so that I’m back and better for the start of another week.

In other news I’ve got another apt with my Rheumatology nurses tomorrow – I can’t wait to tell them that I’m now off all of my painkillers (which is probably why the pain today is a shock to the system – I must have been getting cocky). But I have been having some side effects from all the biologicals and the chemo so we’ll be discussing those and seeing what we can do to reduce them. But I think I’ll save that for another post!

Have a lovely and peaceful Sunday evening, everyone.

Joey x x x


The eye of the storm

It’s a funny one, anxiety – it can come at you in many different ways and often catches you completely off guard. I suffered my most recent bout of it just this weekend – and it sure loves to try and ruin you whether you like it or not.

We’re all different. It can affect you in many different aspects of your life – I find it picks at your insecurities. It’s nasty like that.

Anxiety isn’t just about giving you that nervous anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach. For me, I can often feel it coming on. Think of it like a swirling storm brewing in the distance, and you can see it getting closer and closer but you can’t run away from it. You can run for cover for a short while – find some shelter and shut it out – but eventually it brings down the walls and you hit the brunt of it. I have suffered from depression in the past – and I’m so proud of myself for saying ‘no’ to the doctor when she offered me anti-depressants – and the fight or flight feeling you get with that is very similar. Once you get it you just have to ride the storm and fight to come out the other side.

For chronic pain sufferers, anxiety seems to make everything seem 100x more painful too. Every ache and pain, every movement.

It also makes you imagine the worst scenarios in everything. I hate being any form of centre of attention – and sometimes the anxiety can be so bad I genuinely get glued to my seat I can’t even walk across a room, worried that people will be looking at me. Sounds stupid I know.

I spent the weekend with my my closest friends celebrating one of them gettting engaged. With a whole long exciting weekend planned, filled with celebrations and spending the weekend all together, It got to yesterday afternoon and that’s when I hit the eye of my storm. I suddenly felt so so overwhelmed and my back and joint pain increased by what felt like a million percent. I started scenario planning and playing out the worst case scenarios in my head – for no apparent reason to the average person. What if my joints inflame even more and I have to spend the next few days bedbound? What if my spine locks and I can’t walk?

We’d been out since midday and it had got to about 5pm and the night was still to come, with everyone planning on staying out for at least another few hours. My ability to focus on just having a normal conversation was flailing and all I wanted to do was hide away, curl up and have a cry. Again for – what seemed to everyone else – no reason. Eventually, I physically couldn’t hold the tears back anymore and had a bit of a breakdown between walking from one bar to the next. At that point I had to call it quits and give in. Wayne took me back to our AirBnB place in a cab and we made a quick exit. I was truly embarrassed and felt an absolute failure. All I could feel was pain and humiliation. What a drama queen. How rude for just leaving without saying bye to everyone. All I kept worrying about was what everyone would think and I was just getting more and more upset. I’m bloody thirty for God’s sake… who just loses it out of nowhere?! Time for home – for peace and quiet, a cup of tea, a cry and a hug and everything started to feel a little better. Wayne just knows what to do when I get low like this. Just being there, giving me a cuddle or a knowing look is sometimes all you need to feel more calm, more safe and secure and less lonely in it all.

A few hours later everyone else came home and we had a great evening – very chilled with some crappy tv, pizza and silly games. I soon forgot for a little while how shit I had been feeling.

It really one of the most draining feelings, and all I can do is write about it here and keep positive; build back up my walls and wait for the storm to pass – because it absolutely will.