The eye of the storm

It’s a funny one, anxiety – it can come at you in many different ways and often catches you completely off guard. I suffered my most recent bout of it just this weekend – and it sure loves to try and ruin you whether you like it or not.

We’re all different. It can affect you in many different aspects of your life – I find it picks at your insecurities. It’s nasty like that.

Anxiety isn’t just about giving you that nervous anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach. For me, I can often feel it coming on. Think of it like a swirling storm brewing in the distance, and you can see it getting closer and closer but you can’t run away from it. You can run for cover for a short while – find some shelter and shut it out – but eventually it brings down the walls and you hit the brunt of it. I have suffered from depression in the past – and I’m so proud of myself for saying ‘no’ to the doctor when she offered me anti-depressants – and the fight or flight feeling you get with that is very similar. Once you get it you just have to ride the storm and fight to come out the other side.

For chronic pain sufferers, anxiety seems to make everything seem 100x more painful too. Every ache and pain, every movement.

It also makes you imagine the worst scenarios in everything. I hate being any form of centre of attention – and sometimes the anxiety can be so bad I genuinely get glued to my seat I can’t even walk across a room, worried that people will be looking at me. Sounds stupid I know.

I spent the weekend with my my closest friends celebrating one of them gettting engaged. With a whole long exciting weekend planned, filled with celebrations and spending the weekend all together, It got to yesterday afternoon and that’s when I hit the eye of my storm. I suddenly felt so so overwhelmed and my back and joint pain increased by what felt like a million percent. I started scenario planning and playing out the worst case scenarios in my head – for no apparent reason to the average person. What if my joints inflame even more and I have to spend the next few days bedbound? What if my spine locks and I can’t walk?

We’d been out since midday and it had got to about 5pm and the night was still to come, with everyone planning on staying out for at least another few hours. My ability to focus on just having a normal conversation was flailing and all I wanted to do was hide away, curl up and have a cry. Again for – what seemed to everyone else – no reason. Eventually, I physically couldn’t hold the tears back anymore and had a bit of a breakdown between walking from one bar to the next. At that point I had to call it quits and give in. Wayne took me back to our AirBnB place in a cab and we made a quick exit. I was truly embarrassed and felt an absolute failure. All I could feel was pain and humiliation. What a drama queen. How rude for just leaving without saying bye to everyone. All I kept worrying about was what everyone would think and I was just getting more and more upset. I’m bloody thirty for God’s sake… who just loses it out of nowhere?! Time for home – for peace and quiet, a cup of tea, a cry and a hug and everything started to feel a little better. Wayne just knows what to do when I get low like this. Just being there, giving me a cuddle or a knowing look is sometimes all you need to feel more calm, more safe and secure and less lonely in it all.

A few hours later everyone else came home and we had a great evening – very chilled with some crappy tv, pizza and silly games. I soon forgot for a little while how shit I had been feeling.

It really one of the most draining feelings, and all I can do is write about it here and keep positive; build back up my walls and wait for the storm to pass – because it absolutely will.

Joey

xXx

The difficult fourth post

So last week I finally had the guts to share this blog. Honestly, I was really scared. Most people I know already know the headlines of what I’ve been going through recently with the PSA. It’s not quite the same though as writing everything down into actual sentences. Actual facts. All out in the open for all to see.

I was really touched to read all of the comments from people – I’m not embarrased to say that I cried at almost each and every one of them! I’m a softie I know. But just knowing you’re not alone is so lovely. So thank you.

This week has been full of positives –

Firstly – my Humira injections came through! Halle-bloody-lujah. This Friday I’m off to the Rheumatology dept at Guy’s Hospital to get taught how to do the injections myself. I’ve been told by many people not get my hopes up – there are a few different types of biologicals and I might not be lucky with the first one. But I’m not one to be pessimistic about these things – if I was I’d have given up long ago. I’ll keep you posted on how Friday goes.

Secondly – I did something for me this week. I’ve wanted proper hair extensions for years now. Having good hair is the ultimate confidence booster. And boy do I need one of those where I can get one! With the Chemo, my hair is really weak and it just isn’t growing at the moment. I finally decided to splurge and get a full head from my lovely hairdresser, Steph. I booked a day off work and had a full on pamper afternoon on Monday with Steph. And hey presto I have hair down to my waist (well, almost!) .

When life gives you lemons, flick your hair in it’s face…

Joey

Xxx