The good sort of pain…

With all of my back problems (my slipped discs, my scoliosis) and of course the Psoriatic Arthritis in my pelvis and feet (did I mention that already) 😉 I haven’t been able to work out properly for the last couple of years without being in immense pain. I’ve been doing Physio and Pilates which helps for sure, but cardio in particular has been a no-no for me especially anything where I have to be stood up on my feet.

My two main disabilities really work against each other sometimes. They tell me the best thing for keeping your spine mobile is exercise; yet I can’t excercise because I’m in so much pain with my arthritis – especially with it being in my feet/toes. Sometimes, when the PSA pain is so bad, I can barely move without being in agony, which results in my back pain escalating because I’m not able to be as mobile as I should be to keep my spine in check. So ridiculous.

BUT… I got the all clear a couple of weeks ago to be able to go back to the gym – yaassss! I am still limited to what I can do – I can use the cross trainer and recumbent bike for cardio, and lots of the weights. A benefit of all my core work from rehab physio is that my posture is SO much better than it used to be, which also helps get the best out of my workouts. To top it off my local gym has got a huge space for mat work on the floor with all the foam rollers, weights and bosu balls I could dream of.

I’ve been really poorly for the last three weeks with a nasty chesty cough infection which just won’t go away. I’ve been trying to ignore it and hope it’ll piss off but it’s going nowhere fast; so this week I gave in to it and have taken time off work for the rest of the week. It’s easy to forget I have next to no immune system! So any sign of the smallest infection from someone and I’m taken down almost immediately (I can thank the mtx and humira for that!). If I don’t take time out to really rest and do what my body needs me to do, I won’t get better.  I also have plans with different friends/family for the next four days in a row – and unlike my ‘normal’, ‘healthy’ friends, I have to plan for that and make sure to take things easy in advance.

Having been locked up in the flat all day by myself and not uttering a word out loud to anyone, I was starting to go a bit crazy. So I decided that, despite feeling shitty, a workout would do me good.  I dusted off the gym kit and met Wayne after work and we headed over to the gym to get inducted and stay for our first session.

I genuinely never thought I’d be excited about going to the gym… I had forgotten how good it feels when you leave after a successful workout. And you know what, I genuinely am really looking forward to that good kinda pain and soreness you get the next day when you wake up…

Bring it on!

Joey
xxx

gym

The eye of the storm

It’s a funny one, anxiety – it can come at you in many different ways and often catches you completely off guard. I suffered my most recent bout of it just this weekend – and it sure loves to try and ruin you whether you like it or not.

We’re all different. It can affect you in many different aspects of your life – I find it picks at your insecurities. It’s nasty like that.

Anxiety isn’t just about giving you that nervous anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach. For me, I can often feel it coming on. Think of it like a swirling storm brewing in the distance, and you can see it getting closer and closer but you can’t run away from it. You can run for cover for a short while – find some shelter and shut it out – but eventually it brings down the walls and you hit the brunt of it. I have suffered from depression in the past – and I’m so proud of myself for saying ‘no’ to the doctor when she offered me anti-depressants – and the fight or flight feeling you get with that is very similar. Once you get it you just have to ride the storm and fight to come out the other side.

For chronic pain sufferers, anxiety seems to make everything seem 100x more painful too. Every ache and pain, every movement.

It also makes you imagine the worst scenarios in everything. I hate being any form of centre of attention – and sometimes the anxiety can be so bad I genuinely get glued to my seat I can’t even walk across a room, worried that people will be looking at me. Sounds stupid I know.

I spent the weekend with my my closest friends celebrating one of them gettting engaged. With a whole long exciting weekend planned, filled with celebrations and spending the weekend all together, It got to yesterday afternoon and that’s when I hit the eye of my storm. I suddenly felt so so overwhelmed and my back and joint pain increased by what felt like a million percent. I started scenario planning and playing out the worst case scenarios in my head – for no apparent reason to the average person. What if my joints inflame even more and I have to spend the next few days bedbound? What if my spine locks and I can’t walk?

We’d been out since midday and it had got to about 5pm and the night was still to come, with everyone planning on staying out for at least another few hours. My ability to focus on just having a normal conversation was flailing and all I wanted to do was hide away, curl up and have a cry. Again for – what seemed to everyone else – no reason. Eventually, I physically couldn’t hold the tears back anymore and had a bit of a breakdown between walking from one bar to the next. At that point I had to call it quits and give in. Wayne took me back to our AirBnB place in a cab and we made a quick exit. I was truly embarrassed and felt an absolute failure. All I could feel was pain and humiliation. What a drama queen. How rude for just leaving without saying bye to everyone. All I kept worrying about was what everyone would think and I was just getting more and more upset. I’m bloody thirty for God’s sake… who just loses it out of nowhere?! Time for home – for peace and quiet, a cup of tea, a cry and a hug and everything started to feel a little better. Wayne just knows what to do when I get low like this. Just being there, giving me a cuddle or a knowing look is sometimes all you need to feel more calm, more safe and secure and less lonely in it all.

A few hours later everyone else came home and we had a great evening – very chilled with some crappy tv, pizza and silly games. I soon forgot for a little while how shit I had been feeling.

It really one of the most draining feelings, and all I can do is write about it here and keep positive; build back up my walls and wait for the storm to pass – because it absolutely will.

Joey

xXx

#WFH

Today I’ve been working from home. I try and wfh around one full day a week but it does often end up being a bit more than that due to popping out to various doctors appointments each week as well as attending a rehab physio-pilates class every other week – which I loooove. My Physio is the best and she knows me inside out (I’ve been seeing her for the last 3 years every fortnight), but it’s in the complete opposite direction of both work (west london) and home, (south london) so I’ll often go to work in the morning, have my physio at lunchtime and then head home and log on from there for the afternoon. It works pretty well and my work are so good about it.

I try not to take for granted how good my work have been with me and my health over the last 4 years – I’ve been so lucky and they are so understanding. If I am having a rough day or wake up in an insane amount of pain (it happens) I can work from home. It’s pot luck whether I have my work laptop with me though! But if not, my mac will suffice as long as I have no skype meetings that day.

I’ll sometimes wake up with really bad joint stiffness in the mornings. Given that I live on a massive f-off hill, the morning commute can be reallllly painful on my toes and back. But, becuase I’m not clock-watched and am trusted to do the work and get the job done whenever / wherever suits me best, it really helps with my anxiety and I don’t have to stress that my manager will be wondering where I am at 9.00 on the dot. I’ll sometime limp in at around 10am and rather than being asked ‘where have you been’ it’s more likely to be ‘how are you? pain okay today?’ . Which is a real comfort.

Today the pain has been okay, though I am generally much better off sat in a proper office chair at my desk in the office. My kitchen table isn’t quite the right height and the sofa definitely does no favours for my joints. BUT. It’s cold outside and I’m doing lots of proof reading today, so the sofa will do perfectly, along with my favourite throw, himalayan salt candle on the go, and a mug of hot tea.

wfh

I’ve been really stressed about a few things this week, which has resulted in psoriasis rearing it’s ugly head on mine too. And all over my forehead today it seems. A cup of this tea each day (first thing in the morning on an empty stomach) is soooo good for my skin and helps clear it. It doesn’t taste too horrific either and is much better for me than coffee – caffeine just won’t help me on this occassion!  It contains lots of red clover, nettle leaves, dandelion root, burdock root, chamomile and lemon. You can get it from most health shops or online, and it’s not that expensive either. Give it a go if you’re looking for a skin detox – it’ll really combat inflammation, puffiness, redness and any breakouts.

skin purify

Right, that’s enough procrastination for this afternoon! I was planning on wfh tomorrow too as it’s friday but it’s back into the office for me – forgot my laptop charger didnt I. #Fail.

 

Joey

x x x

Here goes…

I’ve finally done it… I’ve got my own bloomin’ blog! I have been pondering setting one up for so so long. For reasons I’m still not 100% sure. I mean, there are so many I should probably decide on just one (or in reality, I know for a fact I’ll touch on them all):

  • To share my experiences. Are they that interesting? Really? I absolutely doubt it. But I’m almost 100% sure I’m not alone in what i’m going through… so I’m hoping to connect with like-minded people with Psoriatic Arthritis (PSA) or any other chronic disease.
    I also want to share what it’s like to have PSA. I will not be playing the victim, that’s not my style, but if I can help educate others what it’s like and how to understand those of us with PSA and our struggles in day-to-day life – well, that’d be something.
  • Therapy. They say writing down your feelings can help relieve stress and give a sense of calm. I’m not sure that many people will ACTUALLY be interested in what I have to say. But what the hell, it might just help me. Let’s see.
  • Ride the emotional rollercoaster. Some days are great, some are shite. Let’s see where we end up.
  • Fad-tester. I. LOOOVE. A. FAD. And I’ll buy ’em all. From physio equipment to healing crystals, veganism to accupuncture mats and silk pillows. I’m openminded and always on the hunt for more!

My name’s Jo. Joey/JoJo/Joanna (only when I’m in trouble). I’m just about to turn thirty next month and I live with my boyfriend in Crystal Palace London. It’s a bank holiday Monday afternoon, and I’m sat on my rug, LouLou (Louis Walsh once sat on it – don’t ask!), cup of coffee in hand, trying to work out where to start.

Here goes…

Joey xxx

me